


Into the Darkness

by dawningjustice



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:06:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawningjustice/pseuds/dawningjustice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is common knowledge that Jim died in the warp core, making the ultimate sacrifice for his crew. But what many people don't know is that Jim never actually left; his spirit stuck around for the two weeks that his body was comatose, unable to be heard or seen. And it is Spock who finally realizes that something is amiss.</p><p>Excerpt:</p><p>"“Spock,” Jim breathes, and Spock freezes suddenly, as if he had actually heard the word murmured from Jim’s lips. Hope sparks in Jim’s chest as Spock slowly turns around to survey the room. “Spock! I’m here!” Spock’s eyes light over the spot where Jim is standing, but glances over without any recognition. “Spock! I’m right here, in front of you! Can’t you see me? Please see me!” The hope dies viciously, twisting Jim’s insides. Spock’s eyes land on the bed once more, and he hesitates a moment before crossing the room to lie gracefully atop the unmade covers, hugging the shirt close to his chest. He looks so vulnerable like this, Jim wonders, when he thinks that no one can see him. How he could feel this devastated over me…"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This has been bouncing around my head for a while...I'm not sure if this has been done yet or not, and if it has, mean no disrespect. Hope everyone enjoys!
> 
> I don't own Star Trek, and I make no money from this work.

Darkness.

That’s what he is made of, what everything is made of. Darkness: an all-encompassing black void of nothing that would sweep him off his feet if it had any mass to it. There is nothing else existing besides the hole that had eaten him alive, the monster that had stolen his life and everything of importance. It had taken everything away from him and covered it in darkness.

He embraces the nothingness. How can he not, when the alternative is the lives of his crew, his ship, Bones, and his Vulcan? This sacrifice seems so incredibly small in comparison. He does not regret his decision, and instead embraces the fact that he is going to die. There is no stopping the inevitable, which is why he is surprised—surprised that he can be surprised—when the darkness parts and he steps into the light.

Except it’s dim, barely anything there to allow him any illusion of vision. He resists, flailing his body around in the dimness, until he’s finally able to sit up. Except then he’s falling down, because the shock of seeing his own body laid out in a cryo-tube is too much to handle. _What the actual fuck_ , he thinks dazedly, as the lifeless form of James T. Kirk lies before the very real James T. Kirk. Or maybe not so real, he finds out, as he reaches out to grip the edge of the table as an aid in pulling himself off the ground, and his hand passes right through the solid substance. Jim’s really starting to panic now, as he hauls himself to his feet and looks down at his torso, entirely put off by the fact that he’s fairly translucent.

He takes a few deep breaths to steady himself, but he’s not actually inhaling oxygen, just preforming the action in his spiritual state.

 _So I’m dead, I’m actually fucking dead, and I’m a ghost._ He reasons, even though that doesn’t sound very reasonable at all. _It’s not logical_ , he adds, and an empty pang resonates through him at the thought of his pointy-eared Spock. _Spock._ Spock, sitting on the other side of the glass; Spock, reaching out to touch him despite knowing it wasn’t logical; Spock, shedding a tear for him of all people; Spock, his friend, his brother, his…love.

And Bones…his best friend, the one person who’s been steady and constant in his life since the academy, the closest thing to family that Jim’s ever known. _Maybe I could haunt his ass,_ Jim hopes. _I bet that’d make him feel better about my sudden death._ Though he knows it’s doubtful. Bones will forgive him for saving the ship, but he knows that he’ll be hurting, too, and that is one of Jim’s biggest regrets, leaving Bones alone. Another is not telling Spock how he really feels. He did try, in his last moments, but once again his feelings had gone right over the Vulcan’s head, instead he interpreted it as friendship, and Jim hadn’t had the heart or energy to correct him, to dump that burden on him before leaving his side permanently.

Spock, Jim decides, is one thing he wants to see for himself before he follows the light or whatever the hell kind of mumbo-jumbo follows this weird-ass experience. He jogs to the bridge, and is confused to find Sulu in the captain’s chair, Spock nowhere in sight. It’s kind of hard to understand what the bridge crew is saying, like they’re all talking on a slower frequency than he’s used to. He focuses in on Lt. Uhura, fully aware that she would be the most probable, most logical choice if he wanted to locate Spock. Sure enough, he catches what she tells the acting captain. “Spock’s got a lock on Khan, sir, he’s closing in rapidly.”

_Hold up, what?!_

 “I, for one, hope he catches the bastard,” Sulu replies steely, his jaw set.

“ _What does Spock think he’s doing?!_ ” Jim yells at Uhura, and he isn’t surprised when she can’t hear him.

 _“Goddammit,”_ Jim swears, and runs to the transporter room.

He halts his steps in frustration when he arrives, however. _I’m not corporeal,_ he thinks, _so how the hell do I get down there?_

He thinks of every ghost movie he’s ever seen, like the old Earth classic, _Ghost_ , or even some of the more recent ones. He closes his eyes and wills himself to Spock’s location. He thinks of Spock, of how his eyes light up with emotion just for Jim, how he repeatedly risks his life for his friend, how Spock instills a feeling in the pit of Jim’s stomach that he just can’t get enough of.

He thinks of all his love, and suddenly he hears the wind whipping about around him. Jim opens his eyes, and to his horror he sees Khan launch himself at Spock, and Spock, who almost tumbles off the garbage lift but catches himself at the last second. _"Spock, no!"_ Jim can’t help but yelling, even though he knows it’s futile. He’s expecting Spock to stand back up, for Khan to snap his neck like a twig and for the superhuman to target his next victim, forgetting Spock in an instant the way Jim never could. But that’s not what happens at all, and it freezes Jim to the core as he watches Spock brutally and violently assault Khan—who despite putting up quite a fight still falls beneath Spock’s unrestrained fury—until Uhura materializes next to Jim and yells Spock’s name uselessly.

“He’s our only chance to save Kirk!” She screams desperately, and that gets a response out of Spock finally, bringing him back from the brink of murder. Jim can’t even process the thought of being saved, can only look on sadly as Spock gives Khan one last furious glare, and then knocks him out with a rough underhand blow to the jaw.

Uhura, relieved, signals for beam-up, and Kirk is inexplicably pulled along with them. He sees Bones— _Bones!—_ burst into the room with a medical team on his heels, and they situate Khan none too gently on a stretcher, Bones giving him and Spock hypos the entire time. They rush him out, predictably to medbay, as Spock and Uhura watch on alongside Kirk. Spock looks completely impassive, seems to have gained control of his emotions in the short time that has passed. Uhura, on the other hand, is very close to tears, and gazes at Spock with flagrant worry visible. He doesn’t acknowledge her, however, just clasps his hands firmly behind his back and strides swiftly out of the room. Jim waits a beat, looks at Uhura with affection before darting after him.

Spock doesn’t head to the bridge, instead nearly runs to Jim’s quarters, which Jim regards with bewilderment. Spock opens the door with his command override, and crosses the threshold slowly, as if each individual step is causing him pain. Jim watches with a mixture of grief and fascination as Spock leans down to scoop up one of Jim’s dirty shirts, and brings it to his nose. He inhales deeply, his eyes falling closed and his hands starting to tremble. Spock takes a deep breath and lays the shirt on Jim’s bed, and then turns to leave through their adjourning bathroom.

 _“Spock_ ,” Jim breathes, and Spock freezes suddenly, as if he had actually heard the word murmured from Jim’s lips. Hope sparks in Jim’s chest as Spock slowly turns around to survey the room. “ _Spock! I’m here!”_ Spock’s eyes light over the spot where Jim is standing, but glances over without any recognition. “ _Spock! I’m right here, in front of you! Can’t you see me? Please see me!”_ The hope dies viciously, twisting Jim’s insides. Spock’s eyes land on the bed once more, and he hesitates a moment before crossing the room to lie gracefully atop the unmade covers, hugging the shirt close to his chest. _He looks so vulnerable like this_ , Jim wonders, _when he thinks that no one can see him. How he could feel this devastated over me…_

Jim stays until Spock drifts off to sleep, his breath evening out, but the lines of weariness staying present on his face. Jim crosses to the bedside and bends over, his lips ghosting across Spock’s brow, and he watches in amazement as his face softens, and he sinks deeper into his slumber.

Jim exits after that, Uhura’s words resurfacing to his conscious and he bolts to medbay, desperately hoping against hope that Bones will borrow one of Scotty’s miracles and revive his body. He skids into medbay, his heart thumping painfully as he sees Bones frantically working with a vial of Khan’s blood, sweat dripping from his temples and an evident five o’clock shadow adorning his jaw. Jim watches almost dizzily with the weight of hope on his shoulders, and he takes in the once-dead tribble littering the floor near Bones’ workspace. Maybe this could work. Maybe, just maybe, they could pull this off.

 

A week passes, and they transfer Jim’s body from the Enterprise to a facility in San Francisco. Jim watches somewhat nervously as they perform a massive blood transfusion, pumping him full of Khan’s super-blood. He doesn’t know what the repercussions of their actions will be, but at this point he doesn’t care, just wants to be alive, just wants to talk to Bones, to feel Spock’s skin, to smile at them both and thank them for being his family; to thank them for saving him, even if it’s just for a little while. Just so he can say everything that’s been weighing in on his heart, even if he doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Spock doesn’t leave his side. He was there when they moved Jim, he was there when they performed the transfusion, and he is there when Jim’s body responds, his heart beginning to beat again, pushing the blood once more through his veins and carrying oxygen to his comatose brain. A single tear of elation makes its way across Jim’s translucent cheek, mirroring the ones Bones desperately tries to hide from Spock but knows that he doesn’t succeed. Spock, to his credit, says nothing, just keeps his eyes fastened on Jim’s now-breathing form.

Jim doesn’t wake up, and Bones doesn’t know why, none of the doctors do and it’s etched new lines around Bones mouth from scowling in frustration, and new bags under his eyes from sleep deprivation. Spock, too, looks worn from the seemingly inevitable second loss of James T. Kirk. In fact, if Jim didn’t know any better, he would say Spock looked utterly destroyed. He rarely leaves Jim’s side, sleeping and eating few and far between in the chair next to Jim’s bio-bed. Jim shouts and hollers and cries but none of it matters; no one can hear him, least of all Spock.

All of the crew members come to see him. Sulu and Chekov; Sulu with an anguished expression, and Chekov shedding a few quiet tears. Scotty manages a visit between refitting the Enterprise and repairing the warp core. Uhura comes a few times, kissing Jim’s cheek, holding his hand and reading to him from his antique books, but she comes late one night seeking out Spock instead, knowing Jim’s room is where he’d be.

“Spock, come home,” she says softly, “I miss you.”

Spock stubbornly shakes his head. "I am needed here."

“Hun, there’s nothing you can do for him that Len’s not already doing,” she persists gently. “Hurting yourself isn’t going to bring him back,” she whispers, but still Spock does not leave, nor does he even glance in her direction.

She nods to herself like she expected this outcome, knew that he wasn’t going to leave. And she raises her head proudly, as though something has just been proven to her and she was right all along. “I understand, Spock. Everything you need is right here.” She kisses his head lightly, resting her hand on his shoulder, and leaves without a goodbye. It registers a moment later that Nyota just ended their relationship, and Jim is sad for his friend, especially when Spock whispers, “Goodbye, Nyota.”

“ _Go after her,”_ Jim tells him, illogically becoming angry at his friend’s lack of response, at his refusal to acknowledge her feelings. He wants Spock to be happy, wants him to have everything he deserves, which includes someone who can love him when Jim can’t. Especially someone as brilliant and lovely and wonderful as Nyota. “ _Go after her, dammit, Spock.”_ Jim runs a hand through his hair agitatedly when Spock still remains in his chair stoically. _“At least eat something. Sleep. Do anything besides waste away next to me. I’m not waking up, you idiot, it’s pretty obvious. I think even Bones has given up. Go home.”_ Still Spock does not move, because he cannot hear Jim’s angry rant.

Jim’s rage leaves him as quickly as it came, turning quickly to sorrow as he takes in the Vulcan in front of him. “ _I’m sorry, Spock. I love you, and I’m fucking sorry._ ”

Spock’s head snaps immediately in spirit-Jim’s direction, his eyes seeming to lock on him for an instant before glazing over with confusion. He passes a hand across his eyes for a long moment.

_“Holy fucking shit, can you hear me?!”_

Spock’s head whips towards him again, his brow furrowed and his eyes alight with something close to anticipation, “Jim?”

 _“Spock! Yes, it’s me! Oh my god, I’ve been talking to you for so long but you couldn’t hear me but now you can holy fucking shit this is amazing please tell me you can still hear me because I’ve been going crazy without you.”_ He’s aware that he’s rambling but he’s so fucking happy that tears prick his eyes.

“I do not understand.”

“ _I don’t either but I’m like a ghost or some weird shit and I can see and hear everything but no one can see or hear me until now…what the fuck is happening, Spock? Why won’t I wake up?”_

“It is unknown, Jim…we are all at a loss to comprehend this phenomenon. I cannot reason that you are actually spiritually present. Perhaps madness has overtaken me at last.”

_“No, no, no, no, no, please do not say that because I’m real, I’m really real and I just need you to believe me.”_

“I believe anything you say, Jim,” Spock says immediately, and any doubt lingering on his face disappears in an instant.

“ _Thank God, thank fucking God_ ,” Jim exhales.

“Jim…if I may, I wish to meld with your body in hopes that I can ascertain the problem.”

“ _Of course, Spock, anything,”_ Jim responds. “ _Go ahead._ ”

Spock nods solemnly, and rises to place his hand delicately on Jim’s psi-points. Jim feels an intense tingling sensation throughout his whole body as Spock’s face suddenly takes on a concentrated look, and Jim feels almost drawn to both his body and Spock, like he could be taken inside of them both.

Spock breaks away with a gasp, stepping away from the bio-bed hurriedly. “I believe I have determined the dilemma,” Spock tells him seriously. “Jim?”

“ _Still here_ ,” he replies, a little breathless himself from the experience. “ _What’s wrong with me_?”

Spock hesitates. “It seems…that we have a fledgling bond between us.”

“ _And that’s a problem?”_ Jim has fully researched Vulcans and their ways of life when he realized he’d be living with a Vulcan as his first officer. He’s aware that there are multiple types of bonds, and he’s not quite sure which one Spock is articulating.

“It is rather strong,” Spock hedges. “It is one we call t’hy’la.”

Friend, brother, lover. “ _The warrior bond_ ,” Kirk says, amazed, “ _Isn’t that supposed to be extremely rare?_ ”

Spock nods, “And cherished beyond measure.”

“ _And we have…this?_ ”

“It appears so.”

“ _So what does this have to do with my body being comatose and my mind-spirit-whatever not being there to experience it?”_

“I believe that your _katra_ attempted to attach itself to mine through the bond, but was incapable of doing so due to the glass separating our physical contact.”

“ _So, what? My_ katra _’s just floating around out here now?_ ”

“I believe it is still somewhat connected to your body due to the fact that it is now functioning. However, it is unable to function fully without your essence to guide it. If we were to reconnect your mind and body, you should return from the comatose state.”

_“Can you…reconnect them?”_

“Affirmative, but I would not do it without Dr. McCoy’s presence.”

“ _Well then, what are we waiting for? Call him up!”_

Spock walks out to the front desk of the medical facility, presumably asking a nurse to page the doctor immediately. Jim stands in awe of what just transpired between them. He is wistful that he didn’t truly experience the mind meld…but if Spock can do what he says, hopefully they’ll have plenty of time to repeat the action. Jim can’t wait to be able to just _touch_ : anything and everything; give Bones the large hug he deserves, and being able to show Spock how much he really means to Jim.

Spock returns to the room, and Jim looks at him thoughtfully. Spock has a determined not-expression on his face, and it warms Jim’s heart. “ _Why do you think you finally are able to hear me?”_

Spock regards his direction for a moment before answering candidly, “Because I finally acknowledged the full extent of my regard for you.”

“ _…What do you mean?”_

Spock takes a deep breath, “After Nyota’s departure, I reflected on her last statement. I realized that there was much truth to her words. You, Jim, are the only thing that I require. I regret that I may have caused all of us pain in the delayed realization of this fact.”

Jim can’t respond, can’t even go through the motion of breathing, because although he wished and hoped desperately for this moment, he still cannot have faith in what Spock has just said.

A sudden flash of fear and concern flash across Spock’s face, “Jim?” When Jim does not—cannot—immediately respond, Spock paces frantically, looking in all corners in the room as though he can determine Jim’s _katra_ ’s whereabouts. “Jim!”

“ _I’m fine,”_ Jim croaks, emotion still effectively clogging his airway.

“’Fine’ has various definitions,” Spock says doubtfully, still looking fairly worried.

“ _I just can’t fathom that you’d want me that way.”_

“Of course I do,” Spock replies, but before he can say more, Bones flies into the room, panting from exertion and wearing standard Starfleet pajamas.

“What’s wrong? Has something happened? Is Jim okay?” Bones demands manically.

“Jim is ‘fine’, Doctor,” Spock tells him, and Jim smirks at his choice of words.

“Fine?! Then dammit, man! Why’d you call me here if he’s okay? I was in the middle of the first good night’s sleep that I’ve had in a while!”

“I believe I can revive Jim’s mind, and I thought you would want to be present for the procedure, Doctor.”

“You can?” Bones looks doubtful, and Jim has to roll his eyes. “What, with your freaky Vulcan voodoo?”

“If that is how you perceive it, then yes, I plan to perform a mind meld with the captain,” Spock says cordially.

“It won’t hurt him, will it?” Bones asks skeptically.

“Of course not, Doctor. The only harm that will occur will be to myself if I should fail.”

“ _Oh, Spock,”_ Jim whispers, and Spock tilts his head in Jim’s direction.

“Give me one moment,” Bones says before darting out of the room. He returns a moment later, in clean scrubs and an arm full of scanners and hypos. “Well, get on with it then.” He looks at Spock somewhat impatiently.

Spock doesn’t respond, just walks to Jim’s beside and sits in the chair, placing a hand on the captain’s face. Jim watches with anticipation, the sunrise filtering through the window and bathing everything in unearthly light, feeling the tingling start all over his body and the tugging sensation becomes far stronger than the first time.

Then suddenly all of it is light.

Warmth, like a midsummer Iowan sun shining down on him from above, surrounding him in strength and comfort.

His life flashes before closed eyelids. His parents, Pike, his own words, Bones, Spock. Everything.

And suddenly he’s blinking awake, gasping somewhat, disoriented and  looking into Bones’ relieved face leaning over him and scanning his vitals.

He can’t remember.

Everything is blank, his last recollection being of the brown of Spock’s eyes, a single tear streaking his cheek from the other side of the glass.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic, you were barely dead.” Bones gives him a look that means they’ll have words later, when Jim’s not so weak. “It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks.”

Huh?

“Transfusion?”

“Your cells were heavily irradiated, we had no choice.”

“Khan?”

“Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his…super-blood. Tell me, are you feeling, uh, homicidal, power-mad, despotic?”

Jim has to smile a little at that. “No more than usual. How’d you catch him?”

Bones gives him a knowing look. “ _I_ didn’t.”

Bones moves around the bed, and behind him is Spock. _Spock._ Suddenly his recollection of the past two weeks barrels into his mind full-throttle. He remembers watching Spock nearly kill Khan, and mourning Jim’s loss more than anyone else. Jim’s eyes prick embarrassingly with tears.

He looks at Spock with unrestrained affection, “You saved my life.” My life, my heart, my mind, my soul.

“Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know!” Bones interjects, but Jim just spares him a side glance and refocuses on Spock.

“You saved my life, Captain, and the lives of—“

“Spock, just…thank you.” For everything. For more than you can ever know.

“You are welcome, Jim,” Spock says, his eyes softening, and his informal use of Jim’s name sends a delicious feeling of love uncurling in Jim’s abdomen.

Bones leaves with a mumble of something like “take it easy”, giving Jim and Spock the privacy they both desire.

As soon as Bones is out of sight, Jim reaches his hand out, and Spock doesn’t hesitate to grasp it firmly in his own.

“I am pleased that you are restored to yourself, Jim.”

“You and me, both,” Jim laughs. “God, I can finally touch you, and you can look at me and see me, and hear me properly. I do not want to repeat that experience ever again.”

“I do not wish it either.” Spock pauses, and then continues tentatively, “Jim…while I was in your mind, I felt what you felt…”

“That I love you,” Jim clarifies unabashedly. He’s tired of trying to hide it, especially after his death. He knows what he has to lose.

“Indeed…I only wondered if you would be adverse to a mental bond between us.”

“Don’t we already have one?” Jim asks wryly, just to see a flit of frustration on Spock’s face.

“Yes, but that is not what I refer to.”

“I know. Spock,” Jim hesitates, runs a hand through his hair. Spock must take it to mean no, because his shoulders droop almost imperceptibly. “There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted more in my entire life, not even the Enterprise,” Jim responds honestly, giving him a wide smile.

Spock grips his hand noticeably tighter. “I am…glad.” He confesses, his emotion conveying his vulnerability.

“Come here,” Jim says softly, and can’t help but sigh as Spock leans forward, pressing their foreheads together and letting their lips finally meet for the first time. It’s chaste, completely gentle and sweet and perfect, until Jim grips the back of Spock’s neck and deepens the kiss, letting his tongue slip between lips and teeth. They finally have to pull away for air after what seems like both only a second and an eternity. Spock gives a small smile. “Later, _ashayam_.”

“Yes,” Jim agrees. “We have all the time in the world.”

“ _T’hy’la_ ,” is how Spock simply responds, because he’s fully aware that they don’t have forever, that Jim’s life is fragile and easily lost, and that he will eventually grow old long before Spock himself.

But this moment is enough for right now.

For both of them.


End file.
